The Next Bachelorette

I love the Bachelor.  I can’t help it.  In my mind, I want all of that romance.  In my reality, I get to pick dirty underwear up from the floor and flush the potty behind those that forget.  In my mind, I want to be swept off my feet.  In my reality, I get swept under the rug.  In my mind, I want red roses and to make out with tons of gorgeous guys.  In my reality, I get no flowers, and get to make out with one guy who sometimes has some pretty nasty halitosis.  In my mind, I am the next Bachelorette.  In my reality, I am watching it on TV.

So, let’s stick to my mind folks, because it is a much happier place to live.  Trust me.

Let me set the scene…

Ricky and I are sitting on the couch watching the Bachelor and the little promo comes on that they are looking for the next Bachelor or Bachelorette.  I perked up from my fantasy of being on the boat with Jake in St. Lucia and thinking that if I had to swim to the beach, there would have been no way I would have swum back to that dang boat, and turned to Ricky….

“I gotta go and apply.”

RR “You can’t apply.”

Me “Why not? I think they should have a Bachelorette that is in their 40’s with kids.”

RR “Ummm, you’re married?”

Me “A small issue.  By the time the show is on, I won’t be, and if I am, you won’t mind will you?”

RR with an eyeroll “Don’t you think Sassy Gal loves her new shoes?  She is wearing the new ones all the time.  She loves them.”

In my mind, the shoes aren’t mentioned ever again.   In my reality, well, you read about my reality all the time.

I think I would be a great Bachelorette.  I’m going for it…the first married Bachelorette.  Yep, that’s going to be my reality…at least in my own mind.

Conversations – Part V

Have any of you ever seen a cauliflower ear?? Have any of you ever touched one?? This is the conversation Ricky Retardo aka Hubby and I had the other night.

Let me set the scene for you. We are in bed. Ricky Retardo aka RR is reading. I am trying to sleep. He leans over and asks me to scratch his ear….

RR “Will you scratch my ear right here?”
Me “Ewww, no. You have fingers, do it yourself.”
RR “It feels so much better when someone else does it. Please?”
Me “No, that is your gross Cauliflower ear. I won’t touch that ear.”
RR “It’s from wrestling.”
Me ” I know and after having to shave it once, I refuse to touch it again.”

Yes, he has hair on his ears..that’s what happens when you age boys!

Me “I thought only boxers got that. You were wrestling, it’s not like the wrestlers were hitting you in the ear.”
RR “It’s from your ears being pressed on the germy mat.”
Me “You’re kidding me right?”
RR “No, think of all the germs on that mat, they get in your ears.”
Me “You are ridiculous.”
RR “But, at least I can read without glasses or my contacts in.”
Me “You are weird too. You need reading glasses when you have in your contacts and without your contacts you need no glasses. It’s retarded.”
RR “Yeah, but don’t you think Sassy Gal loves her tennis shoes? She wears them every day.”

And that folks is how pillow talk is done in my house!

Peaceful Coexistence

*Warning…this is not a post to bash Ricky Retardo!  Please do not leave any comments about what a dick  he is.  If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t comment!!  Retardo, if you comment on this post, I will delete it.  If you want a forum, then I will post a reply that will come from you when you have the time to get it to me.*

I have never been lucky in love or marriage.  Just take a look at my track record, it is hardly stellar.  But, it is what it is.

I have been married to Ricky Retardo, or RR, for almost one year, and it sucks.  He is great to the kids and the kids love him.  That is not the issue.

I have been told in the past that I am impossible to please.  HE has told me that he can’t meet my expectations.   What are my expectations?  To be included in his life and to be a unit and make decisions together.  I don’t expect him to dance naked upside down while maintaining an erection and doing our taxes.  I do expect him to discuss important decisions with me before going off on his own and just making them.

You see, we have OUR life and he has HIS life.  I am not allowed in his life.  I have no contact with his children, his job, his co workers, his friends in DC.  He has bought a condo in DC that I have never seen and found out that he actually got it after he closed on it.  These things just aren’t right.

I share with him everything.  From family issues to kid issues to ex husband issues.  He is my go to guy.  I want to be his go to girl.  Are those expectations too high??  Maybe for some people, but I am not some people.

Financially, he is a diamond in the rough.  He supports me and my children, as the child support does not cover even 1/4 of their expenses.  He is also supporting his other kids in such a huge way, it is scary.  He is generous and kind when it comes to money.  But, I did not marry him for his money.

I married him for love.  My first husband I married because he was my mother’s perfect guy.  My second husband was a challenge to prove to myself that I could handle all kinds of adversity and my third husband was for love.

Is he gorgeous?  No, he’s cute.  Were the first two? Yes.  Is he stable financially?   Yes.  But so was the last one.  Is he fun? Absolutely.  In fact, I have never met anyone who is so open to just about anything.  Is he good to my kids? 100% yes.  He has wonderful qualities and then this very large bad one.

He says that in his previous marriage, and by the way, she did not train him well at all, and maybe I need to take this up with her, and I would but I am not allowed to go near her or her kids, because she doesn’t want me around, and he is too scared to stand up to her, he had what he called a “peaceful coexistence”.

I don’t quite know what that is, other than two people who just live in the same house but share nothing.

I don’t want that.  I refuse that.  I want peace, but I want to exist, not coexist.

I have a question for you all…how do you exist or do you just peacefully coexist??