Conversations – Part V

Have any of you ever seen a cauliflower ear?? Have any of you ever touched one?? This is the conversation Ricky Retardo aka Hubby and I had the other night.

Let me set the scene for you. We are in bed. Ricky Retardo aka RR is reading. I am trying to sleep. He leans over and asks me to scratch his ear….

RR “Will you scratch my ear right here?”
Me “Ewww, no. You have fingers, do it yourself.”
RR “It feels so much better when someone else does it. Please?”
Me “No, that is your gross Cauliflower ear. I won’t touch that ear.”
RR “It’s from wrestling.”
Me ” I know and after having to shave it once, I refuse to touch it again.”

Yes, he has hair on his ears..that’s what happens when you age boys!

Me “I thought only boxers got that. You were wrestling, it’s not like the wrestlers were hitting you in the ear.”
RR “It’s from your ears being pressed on the germy mat.”
Me “You’re kidding me right?”
RR “No, think of all the germs on that mat, they get in your ears.”
Me “You are ridiculous.”
RR “But, at least I can read without glasses or my contacts in.”
Me “You are weird too. You need reading glasses when you have in your contacts and without your contacts you need no glasses. It’s retarded.”
RR “Yeah, but don’t you think Sassy Gal loves her tennis shoes? She wears them every day.”

And that folks is how pillow talk is done in my house!

Miso Horny!

It’s a new dish…from the Chinese place down the street…no??  But, that’s not a bad play on words is it…get it…Miso…me so….get it???  Oh…come on…that’s a good one!!

Anyhorny…I have  a story to tell you and no it isn’t about me….I have a friend.  Yep, that’s it, a friend, whose husband travels all the time.  I told you this wasn’t about me, right?  So, this guy has been gone for close to two weeks.  He and his wife haven’t been getting along, which means no sex when he is at home and as far as she knows…no sex when he is away…unless it involves a party of one, that is.

This dude is getting awfully tired of his one hand marching band and he is starting to make it up to the wife, so he asks for some phone sex.  Well, she hates phone sex, because frankly she feels stupid doing it, but she agrees, because he is making some strides to actually make her happy.

This is the conversation as it was RETOLD to me…remember, this isn’t about me…

Hubby “Do you want to have phone sex.”

Wife “Really??  No.”

Hubby “Come on.  It’s been so long.”

Wife “Have you been masturbating?”

Hubby “Uh, yeah…DUH.”

Wife “Okay…are your clothes off?”

Hubby “Do you know how to do this?”

Wife “Yes, get naked.”

A few minutes later…

Hubby “Okay, I’m ready. Go.”

Wife “Okay….Xrated material that will not be revealed on this blog, you didn’t actually think I was going to tell you what was said did you? I’m not running a porno site, after all, kids could be theoretically reading this and I don’t want to teach them things they shouldn’t know, but just so we are clear there was some sex stuff in the conversation and some groaning on the other end of the phone lines.”

Hubby “I’m done.”

Wife “Good.”

Hubby “What were you doing while you were talking?”

Wife “Stuffing party favor bags for the birthday party.”

And, that folks is how it is done…Hubby was playing with his balls and Wifey was stuffing her balls into bags.

Ahhhh….romance.

Peaceful Coexistence

*Warning…this is not a post to bash Ricky Retardo!  Please do not leave any comments about what a dick  he is.  If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t comment!!  Retardo, if you comment on this post, I will delete it.  If you want a forum, then I will post a reply that will come from you when you have the time to get it to me.*

I have never been lucky in love or marriage.  Just take a look at my track record, it is hardly stellar.  But, it is what it is.

I have been married to Ricky Retardo, or RR, for almost one year, and it sucks.  He is great to the kids and the kids love him.  That is not the issue.

I have been told in the past that I am impossible to please.  HE has told me that he can’t meet my expectations.   What are my expectations?  To be included in his life and to be a unit and make decisions together.  I don’t expect him to dance naked upside down while maintaining an erection and doing our taxes.  I do expect him to discuss important decisions with me before going off on his own and just making them.

You see, we have OUR life and he has HIS life.  I am not allowed in his life.  I have no contact with his children, his job, his co workers, his friends in DC.  He has bought a condo in DC that I have never seen and found out that he actually got it after he closed on it.  These things just aren’t right.

I share with him everything.  From family issues to kid issues to ex husband issues.  He is my go to guy.  I want to be his go to girl.  Are those expectations too high??  Maybe for some people, but I am not some people.

Financially, he is a diamond in the rough.  He supports me and my children, as the child support does not cover even 1/4 of their expenses.  He is also supporting his other kids in such a huge way, it is scary.  He is generous and kind when it comes to money.  But, I did not marry him for his money.

I married him for love.  My first husband I married because he was my mother’s perfect guy.  My second husband was a challenge to prove to myself that I could handle all kinds of adversity and my third husband was for love.

Is he gorgeous?  No, he’s cute.  Were the first two? Yes.  Is he stable financially?   Yes.  But so was the last one.  Is he fun? Absolutely.  In fact, I have never met anyone who is so open to just about anything.  Is he good to my kids? 100% yes.  He has wonderful qualities and then this very large bad one.

He says that in his previous marriage, and by the way, she did not train him well at all, and maybe I need to take this up with her, and I would but I am not allowed to go near her or her kids, because she doesn’t want me around, and he is too scared to stand up to her, he had what he called a “peaceful coexistence”.

I don’t quite know what that is, other than two people who just live in the same house but share nothing.

I don’t want that.  I refuse that.  I want peace, but I want to exist, not coexist.

I have a question for you all…how do you exist or do you just peacefully coexist??