I want to thank all of you who chimed in on my last post about coexistence.  I have not visited or responded, because life has gotten the better of me.  Between looking for a job and starting a top secret venture, I have just not had the time.

I apologize to you all and want you to know that I read each and every word that you wrote to me.  I was so impressed with some of the responses, I am going to post a few of them here….

LMJ @ I’VE BEEN THINKING
I cannot be in a marriage where I cannot be part of some of “his things.” He tried that on me. I said, “fine. That’s how it’s gonna be? Well, then, when you are out doing your thing at 11 am every Saturday, sex will happen here at 11 am every Saturday with or without you! And that’s my own thing!

Daffy @ BATCRAP CRAZY
It takes two. That’s marriage – the merging of two lives. Why did he ask you to marry him if he didn’t want you to be a part of his life? Would he want the type of relationship the two of you have for his own children? Your children? Or would he want better?

Laura @ Heels, Hemlines & The Modern Mom
I guess I would ask him what he is scared of with you being a part of that life. What is he scared of at work? What are his concerns? Maybe is ex wife doesn’t want you around the kids because she doesn’t know you. Maybe you just tell him you are going to invite her for coffee so you can get to know each other.
I know it is hard to feel like he isn’t sharing his life with you.
He sounds like a good man, who maybe just doesn’t understand what sharing his life really means.

dionne @ Homesick Cajun
Also with his kids it’s totally different than it was with my ex’s kids. I’m Dad’s wife not “step mom!” Not that I want to take their Mom’s place, I’d just like for us to be closer.

Erin @ The Mother Load
I think you have definitely put yourself out there–you just want to be included and feel like you matter, like you are a part of his “other” life. I don’t think that is unrealistic; in fact, I think it’s necessary in order to have a proper marriage/partnership.

I hope that you two are able to find a middle ground, and soon. I don’t want this to slip through your fingers. I have met you both, and I can tell there is much untapped potential there. You have to trust each other. You have to give 110%. You have to be VULNERABLE to each other. You have to be willing to take risks, to go the road less traveled. You need to compromise. You need to hold hands.

Marriage is work. And it’s a garden that requires constant tending. If you neglect it, it will lie in ruins. If you wait too long, it will be too late. Carpe Diem—Sieze the Day. Grab each other, hold on tight, and promise that things will be different (and better) from this day forward.

SuziCate @ The Water Witch’s Daughter
I hope he opens his eyes and includes you in the other places in his life because marriage truly is the sharing of a life…where two become one so to speak.

Amy @ Good-Bye 20’s Hello Botox
Secrets only cause paranoia and frustration.
RR sounds like a great guy. He just needs to open up to you more in order to have a more balanced relationship with you.

Cara @ The Gone Again Smiths
I guess part of RR’s issue may be out of habit. If he and his ex lived in coexistence than he never had to share what he was doing (and if that is part of his explanation you might point out how well that worked).

These are just a sampling of the wonderful comments. I am posting them in hopes that they will help others as well. Thank you all and love you!

This is a serious post today.  If you don’t want serious during the holiday cheer, then this is not the post for you to read.

I wasn’t going to post today.  But, my husband called me this morning and asked me if I was up because I did not have a new blog post. 

That’s how we communicate when he is out of town, through my blog.  He knows I am alive because I have a new post and I know he is alive because I see that he has read it through my google analytics.  There are very few phone calls, some one word emails and lots of silence.

The way I run this blog of mine is when I have an idea for a post, I write it immediately and schedule it to go up.  As the time approaches for these ideas to be published, I go back and edit here and there.  I can be up to two weeks in advance.  But, I have run out of steam.  Real life snuck in when I wasn’t looking and has finally kicked my ass.

My parents are going through some very serious problems, which is affecting my whole family dynamics.  My life as I have known it with two parents and two siblings has come to an end.  I no longer have that.  It has been a tiny fissure that has turned into tremendous gorge that can not be breached this time.  There is no bridge that can be built to cover the chasm of deceit that has happened in my family this time, and picking up the pieces has been difficult and a very slow process.

My marriage, which held so much hope and promise has turned into a sham.  I am a single person living within the confines of a piece of paper.  I have bent myself into a pretzel to accommodate the type of relationship that my “husband” wants, and I feel as though I am about to break. 

My life is not bad.  It is just another difficult situation that I have put myself smack dab in the middle of.  I thought this time I had made the right choice.  I thought this was going to be cakewalk for me.  I should have known better.  I should have known that you can’t change a life long pattern through will.  But, I had hoped that this time would be different.

Is it too much to ask to be included in his life?  As a partner, a decision maker and someone who matters?  I didn’t think so, but I have been known to be wrong.  The baggage is overwhelming and the lump under the rug where every issue has been swept is so large, you can’t even venture into that room anymore.  It is avoided.  At all costs.

We carry on every day, every week and pretend.  Pretend that it is good, pretend that it is getting better.  I have responsibilities and he has responsibilities.  I am free falling and this time, there is no net to catch me.  This time I have to land on my feet. 

I am working on my landing.  I am working on ensuring my children have a future that is provided by me, because there is no one else to do that.  I am working on sustaining this marriage, because when push comes to shove, I do love him, even though I don’t like him very much right now.  I am working on helping my parents pick up the pieces of their own broken lives.  I am working my ass off, and once again, no one is working on helping me.

But, the truth is, that this time, I am the only one who can help me.  I am standing on my own.  No crutches to lean on, no walker to help and no wheelchair to ride in.  It is just me.  I will not fall.  I will stumble, but this time, not fall.