It’s a new dish…from the Chinese place down the street…no??  But, that’s not a bad play on words is it…get it…Miso…me so….get it???  Oh…come on…that’s a good one!!

Anyhorny…I have  a story to tell you and no it isn’t about me….I have a friend.  Yep, that’s it, a friend, whose husband travels all the time.  I told you this wasn’t about me, right?  So, this guy has been gone for close to two weeks.  He and his wife haven’t been getting along, which means no sex when he is at home and as far as she knows…no sex when he is away…unless it involves a party of one, that is.

This dude is getting awfully tired of his one hand marching band and he is starting to make it up to the wife, so he asks for some phone sex.  Well, she hates phone sex, because frankly she feels stupid doing it, but she agrees, because he is making some strides to actually make her happy.

This is the conversation as it was RETOLD to me…remember, this isn’t about me…

Hubby “Do you want to have phone sex.”

Wife “Really??  No.”

Hubby “Come on.  It’s been so long.”

Wife “Have you been masturbating?”

Hubby “Uh, yeah…DUH.”

Wife “Okay…are your clothes off?”

Hubby “Do you know how to do this?”

Wife “Yes, get naked.”

A few minutes later…

Hubby “Okay, I’m ready. Go.”

Wife “Okay….Xrated material that will not be revealed on this blog, you didn’t actually think I was going to tell you what was said did you? I’m not running a porno site, after all, kids could be theoretically reading this and I don’t want to teach them things they shouldn’t know, but just so we are clear there was some sex stuff in the conversation and some groaning on the other end of the phone lines.”

Hubby “I’m done.”

Wife “Good.”

Hubby “What were you doing while you were talking?”

Wife “Stuffing party favor bags for the birthday party.”

And, that folks is how it is done…Hubby was playing with his balls and Wifey was stuffing her balls into bags.

Ahhhh….romance.

*Warning…this is not a post to bash Ricky Retardo!  Please do not leave any comments about what a dick  he is.  If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t comment!!  Retardo, if you comment on this post, I will delete it.  If you want a forum, then I will post a reply that will come from you when you have the time to get it to me.*

I have never been lucky in love or marriage.  Just take a look at my track record, it is hardly stellar.  But, it is what it is.

I have been married to Ricky Retardo, or RR, for almost one year, and it sucks.  He is great to the kids and the kids love him.  That is not the issue.

I have been told in the past that I am impossible to please.  HE has told me that he can’t meet my expectations.   What are my expectations?  To be included in his life and to be a unit and make decisions together.  I don’t expect him to dance naked upside down while maintaining an erection and doing our taxes.  I do expect him to discuss important decisions with me before going off on his own and just making them.

You see, we have OUR life and he has HIS life.  I am not allowed in his life.  I have no contact with his children, his job, his co workers, his friends in DC.  He has bought a condo in DC that I have never seen and found out that he actually got it after he closed on it.  These things just aren’t right.

I share with him everything.  From family issues to kid issues to ex husband issues.  He is my go to guy.  I want to be his go to girl.  Are those expectations too high??  Maybe for some people, but I am not some people.

Financially, he is a diamond in the rough.  He supports me and my children, as the child support does not cover even 1/4 of their expenses.  He is also supporting his other kids in such a huge way, it is scary.  He is generous and kind when it comes to money.  But, I did not marry him for his money.

I married him for love.  My first husband I married because he was my mother’s perfect guy.  My second husband was a challenge to prove to myself that I could handle all kinds of adversity and my third husband was for love.

Is he gorgeous?  No, he’s cute.  Were the first two? Yes.  Is he stable financially?   Yes.  But so was the last one.  Is he fun? Absolutely.  In fact, I have never met anyone who is so open to just about anything.  Is he good to my kids? 100% yes.  He has wonderful qualities and then this very large bad one.

He says that in his previous marriage, and by the way, she did not train him well at all, and maybe I need to take this up with her, and I would but I am not allowed to go near her or her kids, because she doesn’t want me around, and he is too scared to stand up to her, he had what he called a “peaceful coexistence”.

I don’t quite know what that is, other than two people who just live in the same house but share nothing.

I don’t want that.  I refuse that.  I want peace, but I want to exist, not coexist.

I have a question for you all…how do you exist or do you just peacefully coexist??

I wasn’t going to post.  I WASN’T.  But, I had to.  You see, there is someone who is visiting my blog and frankly, it is starting to seriously get on my last nerve.

Last night, I get a comment at 9:15 pm on my last post….

Hubby has left a new comment on your post “Wishing“:

I am the stalker, duh

Now this is interesting for various reasons…

1.  Hubby and I were {ahem} getting it on at that time.
2.  Hubby goes by Gary when he comments.

On another post, I got a comment from Lee’s First Husband.  So, of course, I send my FIRST husband an email asking him how he found out about my blog, as he said he had “heard” that he was mentioned.  He responded with he had no idea I had a blog and he hoped that my family was well.

Now, this person who is savvy enough to have many google accounts, which isn’t that difficult to have as many personalities as you want, is seriously irritating me.

If this person is reading, and I am sure that you are, you need to come out of hiding and face me like the wo/man that you are. 

Enough is enough.  This is my space and you are not welcome in it, around it, near it or by it.  You are not welcome into my friends spaces either.  You need to go and find something better to do with your time.

I know that I will have plenty of back up from my followers, which I appreciate more than you know.  And, the last thing I am in the mood to deal with is this stalker.  There is just enough crappy shit happening right now, that going ninja Jew on his/her ass won’t be a difficult prospect.

So, in honor of the Christmukah season….LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE.

Thanks for paying attention wo/man. 

And, everyone else….Love you all and wishing you the happiest of New Years!

Lee the Hot Flash Queen who refuses to be dethroned because of this asshole

I’m kinda digging this vlog thing now.  If you don’t like it…TOO BAD SO SAD!

If ANY of you have ANY questions you want me to answer on one of my fabulously entertaining vlogs…THEY ARE TOO…..shut up….. just let me know!  You can either put them in the comments or you can hit that contact button and email me.  If you don’t have any questions, whatevah!!

So there ya have it! Well…where are the dang questions, what are you waiting for??  An invitation??

You are cordially invited to ask Lee The Hot Flash Queen questions!!

Now, Scoot!

I don’t usually post two in one day, but I am so excited!!!

My Hanukkah present for Hubby came today!!!!!

He is going to shit his pants…which reminds me to go and get some depends for him!!

Well, hubby has done it again, and how can I resist but to post this stupendous conversation for all my bloggy buds??  After all, it would be a pity and a shame to deprive you of this super special part of my life.

Let me set the scene….

The World Series of Poker was on.  For those of you that don’t know what this is, it is a bunch of people that play poker for a living.  That’s right, for a living….and if I was a good enough Poker player I would do it too!

Hubby and I are sitting on the couch watching.  Yes, people, if he isn’t watching sports, he is watching Poker…I know…you are all really really jealous, and why wouldn’t you be…POKER!  On the POKER channel.  WHAT COULD BE BETTER????? Sorry….don’t mean to be so snarky…actually I do!!  WHO IN THE HECK WANTS TO WATCH POKER ON THE POKER CHANNEL!!

Anyhoo, there is this dude, Phil Ivey, who they say is the best poker player evah.  Of course, he has never made it to the final round.  Until this year.  But, he is playing a hand, and his hand is not revealed, while the other hands are for the other players.  This is the conversation….

Me “He’s Bluffing.”
Hubby “Why do you think he’s bluffing?”
Me “Look at his face.  He is not so confident and he has shifty eyes.”
Hubby “He always has shifty eyes.  He has weird eyes.  It’s his face.”

The hand ends and yes, he was bluffing.

Hubby “He is the best poker player in the universe.  In fact, he is the most famous black man ever.”
Me looking at Hubby like he is crazy.

“The MOST famous?  Are you sure you want to stand by that statement?”
Hubby “Yes, he is the most famous and the most recognized.  Everyone knows who he is.”
Me “More famous than Tiger Woods?”

Me “I mean of course EVERYONE knows Phil Ivey and he’s WAY more famous than Tiger Woods, oh and let’s not forget Michael Jordan, he is way more famous than him too.  And then there’s Cobey Bryant.  I mean NO ONE has heard of him, and EVERYONE would say Phil Ivey is more famous than Cobey.  Oh, and then there is Magic Johnson, Denzel Washington, Jamie Foxx and James Earl Jones.  But, you are right, Phil Ivey is more famous.”

Hubby “Okay, so maybe he comes fourth, after Tiger, Cobey and Michael.  But, he is more famous than Denzel.”
Me “Denzel won an academy award!!”
Hubby “He is more famous than Denzel.  Who cares about Denzel.  Phil is THE best poker player in the world!!”
Me “A Rod?  Is he more famous than A Rod?”
Hubby “Toss up.”
Me “Darryl Strawberry?”
Hubby “No one knows who Darryl Strawberry is!”
Me “I do!”
Hubby “You are the only one, and I’m surprised you know who he is!”

Hubby “Sassy Gal loves the tennis shoes I bought her this summer.  She wears them every day.”

I can’t even answer this one…as usual, we are off on another tangent in another stratosphere.  By the way…Phil Ivey has shifty eyes when he is bluffing and he is NOT the most well known black man ever!

You never know what you might here around my house.  Let me set the scene….

It is 7:45 pm on Sunday evening.  I am in the kitchen with hubby, Sassy Gal, Brattitude Boy and Abbe.  We are all gathered around the island, as I am trying to ice cupcakes for Sassy Gal’s class for her birthday on Monday. 

Hubby and Sassy Gal had gone to the grocery store while I had taken BB to a Birthday Party earlier that day….

Hubby “I did great at the grocery store, didn’t I SG?”
SG “You talked to everyone.”
Hubby “But I did great.  We had fun, didn’t we SG?”
SG “You talked to everyone.”
Hubby “Who did I talk to?”
SG “You talked to a chinese dude.  You asked him where the baking soda was.”
Hubby is laughing.
Hubby “What did he say?”
SG “He ignored you.  I think you scared him.  You were yelling like he was deaf.  He was just Chinese, not deaf.”
SG “You asked a lady where the frozen vegetables were.”
SG “You asked a kid where the frozen chicken was.”
Hubby “Mommy said I couldn’t call her and ask her questions.”
Me laughing “That’s right.  You would have called me every 10 minutes.”
SG “So, he asked every person we saw a question!”

We all laugh.

Hubby “We had a good lunch though, right?”
SG “Yup, chili with crackers at the store.”
BB “Where did you eat lunch?”
SG “We went to this place.  Called a grocery store. We ate Chili.”
Sassy Gal rolled her eyes.  The eye roll.  She developed this the other day.  It’s part of being nine.

Hubby “But we did a great job at the grocery store.”
Hubby “Did you see all that we got?”
Hubby goes to the pantry and proceeds to read every single label of everything he got.  He is very proud of himself.
Me “You did a great job at the grocery store.”

It’s the little things that make you laugh and forget the big things that piss you off.

So, I am following a trend, cuz I am like that.  I do whatevah Stir-Fry Awesomeness does, because she is seriously Stir fried and awesome.  If you don’t already follow her, DO AND DO IT NOW…no WAIT!  Do it AFTER you read my regurgitation!! 

This was written in June and got like 5 comments.  But, I think the story is funny and explains so much about my snarkiness and where it comes from.

I present to you, from the bowels of my blog…..

We are well into our carpooling for school. As mothers, we know the drill, how it works, the ins and outs, the way to get to the top of that heap of cars for carpool.

Well, at our school it is quantum physics. Let me explain….

First there is drop off. Your child can not get out of the car until it is 7:40 am. The police man is out waving pedestrian walker uppers to the door across the cross walk, which runs down the center of where the cars pull up. There is room for 4 cars. You can NOT stop on the crosswalk. So, two in front and two in back.

Your child must have their backpacks ready and their seat belts off. For drop off, you are not required to turn the car off, but you must place it in park. You must already have said your good byes.

It is not okay to get out of your car to help your child. There are teachers and other students to do that. It is also not okay to go around and open your hatch back on your SUV.

The line moves fairly quickly in the mornings, because all these mother’s need to go to Starbuck’s to meet the other mother’s that are in the carpool line to discuss the carpool line.

The pick up is a bit different. First, you may only enter the parking lot through the enter side and exit through the exit side. Frankly, in the mornings, it doesn’t really make a difference. The carpool line does not START at the end of the half circle where the four cars align. It starts well before that, behind the dumpster area.

The reason for this is that spot one and two are silent auctions at our carnival every year, and my loving wonderful hubby pays BIG BUCKS for his lucky wife to have spot number one. Which means, my kids come out first and I am out of there pronto. Spot number two should NOT pull up before Spot number one gets there, although she does ALL THE DAMN TIME SO I HAVE TO BACK INTO MY DAMN SPOT.

Once again, it is four cars. Spot number one and two are in their respective places, then and only then can the rest of the cars pull forward. Your car must be turned off, which leads to heavy sweating in Texas. You may not be on your cell phone. You must have your doors unlocked. Leaving your car while in carpool line is frowned upon, because you are not ready to pull forward when the line moves, which results in angry mommies in SUVs.

Here’s what happens when you break the rules.

You get yelled at.

Why am I discussing this?? Believe me there is a reason for my ramblings.

Hubby, who is a gem even though I make fun of him ruthlessly on this blog, took Brattitude Boy to school for me so Sassy Gal would not have to get up and swine flu everyone. The first morning, he walked him in. Yesterday morning, he pulled up to drop him off.

Brattitude Boy told him where to sit his car. He was first and he sat in the middle…on the crosswalk. And waited. And waited for the magic moment the police man comes out the children can leave the cars.

While he waited he called me about 1/2 dozen times. He was asking me what he was doing wrong. These women were screaming at him that he was doing it wrong.

One woman came up to him and told him that he was doing it wrong and to get off the crosswalk. He said that his son (really his step son, but calls him his son, which I love about him) told him where to park. The lady said to him…

“He’s like 4 years old!! You listened to him!!”

FIRST you dumb ass woman….he is FIVE!
SECOND you dumb ass woman…Instead of berating my hubby, which only I am allowed to do, you should be patting him on the back FOR TAKING HIM TO SCHOOL! WHERE IS YOUR HUSBAND?? HOW OFTEN DOES HIS LAZY BUTT TAKE YOUR KID TO SCHOOL??
THIRD you dumb ass woman…since hubby has not dropped off in carpool before, wouldn’t the NICE AND POLITE thing to do is TELL him nicely that he needs to move the dang car up??

I mean puhleaze! We were all first timers once and had no idea what to do. Be kind and considerate!! Is it my hubby’s fault that your hubby can’t wait to escape to work in the morning? NO!

So, hubby…..

Thank you for helping me out by taking BB to school. You are amazing for not only taking him, but getting him up in the morning, getting him dressed and giving him breakfast. As well as taking care of his snack. You allowed me to sleep. You were wonderful and I appreciate it more than you can imagine. In fact, I am wondering if you would not to keep this as a permanent job in the future?? No?? Well, it was worth a try!

Love you, Hubby!

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