Your Opinions Count
02.4.10
I want to thank all of you who chimed in on my last post about coexistence. I have not visited or responded, because life has gotten the better of me. Between looking for a job and starting a top secret venture, I have just not had the time.
I apologize to you all and want you to know that I read each and every word that you wrote to me. I was so impressed with some of the responses, I am going to post a few of them here….
LMJ @ I’VE BEEN THINKING
I cannot be in a marriage where I cannot be part of some of “his things.” He tried that on me. I said, “fine. That’s how it’s gonna be? Well, then, when you are out doing your thing at 11 am every Saturday, sex will happen here at 11 am every Saturday with or without you! And that’s my own thing!
Daffy @ BATCRAP CRAZY
It takes two. That’s marriage – the merging of two lives. Why did he ask you to marry him if he didn’t want you to be a part of his life? Would he want the type of relationship the two of you have for his own children? Your children? Or would he want better?
Laura @ Heels, Hemlines & The Modern Mom
I guess I would ask him what he is scared of with you being a part of that life. What is he scared of at work? What are his concerns? Maybe is ex wife doesn’t want you around the kids because she doesn’t know you. Maybe you just tell him you are going to invite her for coffee so you can get to know each other.
I know it is hard to feel like he isn’t sharing his life with you.
He sounds like a good man, who maybe just doesn’t understand what sharing his life really means.
dionne @ Homesick Cajun
Also with his kids it’s totally different than it was with my ex’s kids. I’m Dad’s wife not “step mom!” Not that I want to take their Mom’s place, I’d just like for us to be closer.
Erin @ The Mother Load
I think you have definitely put yourself out there–you just want to be included and feel like you matter, like you are a part of his “other” life. I don’t think that is unrealistic; in fact, I think it’s necessary in order to have a proper marriage/partnership.
I hope that you two are able to find a middle ground, and soon. I don’t want this to slip through your fingers. I have met you both, and I can tell there is much untapped potential there. You have to trust each other. You have to give 110%. You have to be VULNERABLE to each other. You have to be willing to take risks, to go the road less traveled. You need to compromise. You need to hold hands.
Marriage is work. And it’s a garden that requires constant tending. If you neglect it, it will lie in ruins. If you wait too long, it will be too late. Carpe Diem—Sieze the Day. Grab each other, hold on tight, and promise that things will be different (and better) from this day forward.
SuziCate @ The Water Witch’s Daughter
I hope he opens his eyes and includes you in the other places in his life because marriage truly is the sharing of a life…where two become one so to speak.
Amy @ Good-Bye 20’s Hello Botox
Secrets only cause paranoia and frustration.
RR sounds like a great guy. He just needs to open up to you more in order to have a more balanced relationship with you.
Cara @ The Gone Again Smiths
I guess part of RR’s issue may be out of habit. If he and his ex lived in coexistence than he never had to share what he was doing (and if that is part of his explanation you might point out how well that worked).
These are just a sampling of the wonderful comments. I am posting them in hopes that they will help others as well. Thank you all and love you!
Sweet of you to mention my comment. Thanks. I completely get the life taking over, as I’m in the midst of that myself. We are both strong women who I have a feeling will do anything to achieve what we want.
Laura´s last blog ..The Wild Ride We Are On
Twitter: healthylaurat
OH Lee, I missed the original post. I’m hoping that you can work through this as it seems like you really do want to do that.
I know I’ve shared with you about my situation and so I feel for you deeply. In my case, the marriage is over and I’ll be single by summertime.
I hope you don’t have to go that route.
blueviolet´s last blog ..My Secret Shame
I’m so glad the comments gave you comfort. Hang in there. I loved Erin’s comment the most.
LMJ´s last blog ..I WISH I COULD TELL YOU!
I am here for you Lee. Call me day or night. I love your strength and grace!! I love you!
Adrienzgirl´s last blog ..Wordless WTF Wednesday
While I don’t know either one of you personally, I think you guys can work through this. It will take some compromise, but the hard work will be worth it!
Really hoping this tough time is over soon and both of you can find happiness in your marriage!
I was thinking about your post the other day….. I don’t know if you listen to country music but George Strait has a song “There’s a difference between living and living well…” Which I think pretty much sums up the situation….
The Evil Step Mom´s last blog ..This is getting ridiculous
Very good responses. That’s part of why I love blogging so much!
MiMi´s last blog ..Happy isn’t here today and she took Funny with her…
Glad to see you posting again Lee. I hope that you are getting your life on the track that you want and will be your sassy self again soon. I’ve missed you!
Menopausal New Mom´s last blog ..And The Plan Was…..??? Part II
Thanks for mentioning my comment again, I guess that means it actually made sense?! I wish RR would just relax, let go, and LET YOU IN. Talk to you openly & honestly. Before it’s too late.
erin´s last blog ..Growing Up vs. Dressing Up, or Why I’d Like to be Five Again
I am glad you got some advice you liked. That’s the great thing about blogging, someone is sure to give you the advice you want!
Cassie´s last blog ..Warning: Gross Subject Ahead
I’ve been thinking about you a lot and hoping that things are getting better. I also worried about how I came across in my advise and I hope you know that I just want to help.
Take care
tori´s last blog ..gotta get a dictionary.
Those are some wonderful comments.
Heather´s last blog ..I Was Made In China!
Twitter: 2monkeysandhubb
Lee dear it is rough bumpy road – but I know you will survive it.
I didn’t input any of my thoughts because I’m a little jaded and going through the same.
MJ´s last blog ..Look-a-Like
hoping a new day has brought some clarity and is better all around…much love to you
Tiffany´s last blog ..The Husband: Unsupervised
You did receive a lot of great advice, but you didn’t mention the best one from “Jen”:
In re reading this it looks as if he has always been this way. It isn’t fair to expect him to change. We do this to men and it just isn’t right. We want to fix them. If he isn’t hiding anything like another woman from you then I’d let it go. Let him learn to trust you, you can’t force him to. I’m not coming down on you by any means, I’m not taking sides. He just sounds like a decent guy and they are hard to find. This doesn’t mean you should just suck it up, if this is a deal breaker you have to move on. Only you know if it is. Ultimately if you want change you are going to have to make it.
We love you Lee!!! Good luck on your secret venture (I wrote denture at first…ha!)
~WM
Working Mommy´s last blog ..Lesson #62 – Time Goes Too Fast
Lee,
I had to go back and read the first post, like you said life has been busy. I hope that things are looking up. And I wish you tons of luck with the new venture. I’m finding it’s easier to pick out the good things each day and let the not so good fall away until I have enough good stuff to try to work it out. I’m not saying I don’t get frustated but what I’m trying to do is let my frustration be my motivation. I’m looking forward to getting together soon. Hang in there!
Stephanie´s last blog ..My Birthday Present from Mom and Dad
Twitter: busymom3
Well I’m glad you got that kinda figured out.
Now onto more important things. I always get the same gravvie when I post!
*pouting*
How on earth do I change it? Yep, that’s what should be YOUR number priority right now.
I’m all about the love, Baby!
As long as the love is about me!
*flutters eyelashes*
quirkyloon´s last blog ..Grateful Dread
Making an entire post by reposting comments from another post is GENIUS.
I am sooooo lazy I am stealing this idea for my blog.
Ed Adams´s last blog ..Day 4…I’m STILL WINNING!!!!!
lots of smart women…loads of great advice.
xoxox
~hl~
Blogging always takes a back seat to real life. You do what you must, and blog when you can. I hope things are looking up for you and your situation, and that all your plans work out.
Matty ´s last blog ..Happy Birthday
I probably should have read the other post first, but even without having read it these responses are great!
All of those responses are great! Sounds like you got some really good advice!
Hang in there!
Helene´s last blog ..Dear Someone….
What does Ricky Retardo say about all this?
Tracie´s last blog ..My Life Is Not A Rom Com: Part 1
I’m glad that opinions do matter because if it weren’t for some that I had given to me, I probably wouldn’t have had the courage to file for divorce.
I’m so curious about the top secret business. Any hints?
Simone´s last blog ..I Surrender, I Surrender!!!
It looks like you got a lot of great advice.
Cara´s last blog ..I Need a Release
Im glad you were able to get some great comments and advice!
shortmama´s last blog ..Oh Baby
lee – some great advice. i do hope things work out for you and your husband. i want the third time to be the charm! big hugs
I’m sorry I’m late to the discussion, but a very important one it is. I found your last paragraph telling… his last marriage they peacefully coexisted. And yet that marriage ended. It’s not a coexistence that keeps the marriage going. It’s mutual respect, in my humble opinion.
I’ll cavat this… my husband married young, and so we never had the opportunity to be financially independent on our own. We made money together, and I think that might be the rub here. We’ve gotten used to managing our finances as a unit. And I think if you co-manage money, you co-manage your life.
Yes marriage is supposed to be for love, first and foremost. But in addition to that, its also a business. You can’t have one partner out there making financial or other decisions in a vacuum. We treat it like we’re consulting the other partner, not like’s its a power struggle.
I make this suggestion not because I’d encourage you to get more access to his money. But making him more financially transparant, and making financial decisions as a unit, is a good exercise in developing equal footing.
What I hear you asking for it a partner. Not just a lover, friend, or financial backer. You want your teammate, you’re in it together. I don’t think that’s too much to ask for, and it’s certainly attainable. It just means breaking some old habits, and streching out of his comfort zone. Ask him to take a leap of faith, and let him know you won’t let him down. Ask him to give you a chance to be his partner.
I’m thinking of you, love ya, and wish you the best. Sending you positive marriage-vibes
Busted Kate´s last blog ..Let’s Play Make Believe
Twitter: BustedKate
Words of wisdom from women who know what their talking about. Good luck on the job search and can’t wait to hear about the venture!
fanning flashes´s last blog ..Witless Wednesday
Peaceful coexistence is a way to get thru some days while you have time to think long term.
I will say a prayer for you.
Secretia
Secretia´s last blog ..Secretly Never Wanting to Stop, It Feels So Good!
It amazes me time and time again how much support one can garner from blogging…
You are such a phenomenal entity! I love you
Thanks a million for all that YOU’VE done FOR me!!!!
Hope you’re doing well, Lee! (Life can certainly be exhausting at times)
AnnQ´s last blog ..Rethinking your Resolution?
Hang in there…praying things will work out for you. You know your cyber friends are here for you.
Suzicate´s last blog ..Role Reversal