Peaceful Coexistence
02.2.10
*Warning…this is not a post to bash Ricky Retardo! Please do not leave any comments about what a dick he is. If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t comment!! Retardo, if you comment on this post, I will delete it. If you want a forum, then I will post a reply that will come from you when you have the time to get it to me.*
I have never been lucky in love or marriage. Just take a look at my track record, it is hardly stellar. But, it is what it is.
I have been married to Ricky Retardo, or RR, for almost one year, and it sucks. He is great to the kids and the kids love him. That is not the issue.
I have been told in the past that I am impossible to please. HE has told me that he can’t meet my expectations. What are my expectations? To be included in his life and to be a unit and make decisions together. I don’t expect him to dance naked upside down while maintaining an erection and doing our taxes. I do expect him to discuss important decisions with me before going off on his own and just making them.
You see, we have OUR life and he has HIS life. I am not allowed in his life. I have no contact with his children, his job, his co workers, his friends in DC. He has bought a condo in DC that I have never seen and found out that he actually got it after he closed on it. These things just aren’t right.
I share with him everything. From family issues to kid issues to ex husband issues. He is my go to guy. I want to be his go to girl. Are those expectations too high?? Maybe for some people, but I am not some people.
Financially, he is a diamond in the rough. He supports me and my children, as the child support does not cover even 1/4 of their expenses. He is also supporting his other kids in such a huge way, it is scary. He is generous and kind when it comes to money. But, I did not marry him for his money.
I married him for love. My first husband I married because he was my mother’s perfect guy. My second husband was a challenge to prove to myself that I could handle all kinds of adversity and my third husband was for love.
Is he gorgeous? No, he’s cute. Were the first two? Yes. Is he stable financially? Yes. But so was the last one. Is he fun? Absolutely. In fact, I have never met anyone who is so open to just about anything. Is he good to my kids? 100% yes. He has wonderful qualities and then this very large bad one.
He says that in his previous marriage, and by the way, she did not train him well at all, and maybe I need to take this up with her, and I would but I am not allowed to go near her or her kids, because she doesn’t want me around, and he is too scared to stand up to her, he had what he called a “peaceful coexistence”.
I don’t quite know what that is, other than two people who just live in the same house but share nothing.
I don’t want that. I refuse that. I want peace, but I want to exist, not coexist.
I have a question for you all…how do you exist or do you just peacefully coexist??
Ok, I read this whole post (stopping to laugh my ass off about “dancing naked upside down while maintaining an erection…”), and I had a witty comment formed, but now all I can think about is “is his name really Ricky Retardo?” Or, is that just a blog name?
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Well, I’ve been Married before (ended disastrously), and am now living with my Boyfriend.
We had a very bumpy start when we first started living together….for the first few months, I’d say we just coexisted and tried not to kill each other physically or emotionally.
While we still have moments of that same tumultuous stuff, things are much much better. We just needed to learn how to live together (not that I’m the easiest person to live with…of course, he’s 13 years younger than me, so he had to learn how to be a legitimate partner).
Man, relationships can be tough sometimes, can’t they? (Sorry for stating the obvious)
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Wow..Im with you… things ..all things, need to be shared…peaceful coexistence is worse than loneliness..well thats my opinion…Ive been with mine for 25 years..22 of them married…so much compromise..so much work..so much therapy.(individual, I dont believe in couples counseling) and I still want to be with him..the funny thing is we both came from severely broken homes, families, parents..and that is why the therapy was needed…we are the only ones left out of our friends to still be married…who knows…communication is key..and that dont mean just talking but making connections each time you do..!Hey Im no expert, far from it..just a gal learning the ropes and trying to teach her girlz the same..hang in there..!!
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Peacefully co-exist huh?
A deep question for sure. Whoever said marriage was easy, man oh man, they lied. You have to work at it.
There will be good times.
There will be bad times.
As long as the two of you love each other, that’s all that matters isn’t it?
I’m not sure how to really be at peace and exist at the same time with my honey. As long as I keep him happy AND he keeps me happy, the rest just kinda falls into place.
Good luck trying to figure it out.
Love this post. Really i do.
one cluttered brain´s last blog ..You hit it on the head with this one!
Hmmmmm, lots of food for thought. I can see why you have the issues you have with him. Completely understandable. Marriage is about commitment…100%.
My husband and I waiver back and forth…sometimes it honestly feels like we’re merely roommates raising kids together. Other times, it feels like we’re best friends all over again. We have highs and lows. But he does meet me halfway, which is a huge deal for me.
I really hope somehow you find happiness. You deserve that much.
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I don’t think marriage is about coexistence or peaceful coexistence. My brother and his wife fight like all hell is breaking loose and they will until they die…neither will ever leave the marriage…who would want that? My marriage is not perfect…there are days we just coexist, but most of the time, I feel the interaction is necessary…as well as 100% honesty and open communication. We fight…mostly disagree and tell each other what the heck is bugging us and one of us either says bite me I am not changing that or you have a point. It is to bad there is so much stuff that accompanies us into our relationships too.
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Oh geez I wish i knew what to say to this but i have no clue.. i just hope you quickly figure out what you want!! I’m sorry for the tough times!
Such a tough situation…and I dont have stellar input. I hope you find a resolution to all of this…and get on the road that will lead you to a full and happy life Lee!
You are an awesome person who deserves nothing less.
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Say NO to coexisting. That is not a marriage, OR a life. When you marry, you join lives with your spouse, and that includes all aspects.By him having his own life, he is living as if he is single and doesn’t have a spouse to think of.
What, you don’t feel like living the role of “2nd Class Wife”?
I share a bit of this understanding and feeling Lee.
It’s degrading – bottom line. It really can make you feel “unworthy” which is complete BS.
You are his WIFE. Fucking hate when I am made to feel like the roommate.
You, My Queen, obviously are not built to co-exist.
Retardo needs to try and understand that.
Why not a romantic weekend trip to DC – Just the two of you?
Get away for a bit… have him show you around.
I get such a creepy, suspicious feeling that he is hiding something from you when I read posts like this. Really bugs the piss out of me.
At least you married him for Love. Hopefully your love will survive this.
Sending you love and hugs,
June
June´s last blog ..LOVE
Positive thoughts for you girlie. I don’t know what to say. I am not the expert in relationship advice category. I am divorced and I have been with J for 7 and it has been a smooth ride.
I can’t even imagine going through this and I would feel so broken especially at one year. To not be allowed to see his children is just wrong.
I wish you all the best and I hope you can work this out.
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We are together in everything, the bad stuff, the good stuff. He knows when I need to be sheltered from some things…and I do, I’ll admit that!
Best wishes for you.
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sending positive thoughts your way Lee!!
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Well we all know that I have issues with my husband but we work it out. We do coexist.. You have to be willing to put aside your thoughts to listen to theirs and then somehow come to a resolution that fits you both. Doesn’t always work since I went on strike recently. But most times it does. I can honestly say that I love him absolutely.
Sometimes the best I can hope for is a peaceful coexistence. I am not saying this makes for a good marriage (obviously it didn’t for RR’s last because it ended in divorce) but sometimes it is just better than fighting.
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We just keeping chipping away at. It’s a work in progress, as it should be. Keep at it.
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I am so sorry that you feel this way after only 1 year. I have been married for 17 years – we do alot together, but we also have our separate lives – it works for us. We do havea mutual love and respect for one another, and I trust him completely. I am thinking about you and sending positive thoughts your way.
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If it wasn’t for the part about being 100% good to your kids, I would swear this post was written by my mom. Her husband is very flawed. He opens her mail, but gets mad if she opens his. He talks down to her all the time and acts like she’s dumb, but then he’s constantly talking about how great and wonderful she is.
I know a lot of it is because of his ex-wife. But I think part of the reason his ex-wife treated him the way she did was because he was so insufferable. Catch-22.
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WOW. I am sorry…that sux.
Lee – It really sucks that you feel this way. Every person has their own flaws, but at the end of the day, you have to find a way to be happy…
I read this on my way into work yesterday and I’ve been letting it sit for a bit to come back with a meaningful answer.
I had a relationship (marriage, my first) where I didn’t feel I really knew him. I knew his family, friends, etc. but what made him tick, his passion (it wasn’t even me!). In the end I left because he would never let me in. I am not suggesting that you leave. Not by any stretch. In my current relationship, it’s great, we share everything. We relish in our wins and cut someone when there’s a loss – we’re Puerto Rican.
What I am saying is that really being there in a relationship is SO very important. It feeds your soul – I know, mushy. But you know what I mean. You seem to me to be such a passionate person – a peaceful co-existence doesn’t fit you – and I’ve never even met you!
The way I describe my ex husband is like a duck on a pond. You think the webbed legs are working overtime underwater and all you see is serenity on above water. You know? Calm, laid back. This duck? Wasn’t moving anywhere and was no where near me in the pond. In fact, I was a bird.
I digress…
There needs to be a healthy balance (HA!) you have you’re thing, he has his, but you share it. You share everything. Otherwise, what’s the point? How can you support him with your whole self if there are parts of the other person that are black holes to you.
Talk…talk…talk to him, honestly and seriously. Tell him what you need. Don’t be angry, or get emotional (I know it’s hard). But you really need to make yourself be heard from a logical space as I think that’s probably where he will hear you best from.
If you don’t want to publish this that’s fine. This can be between me and you.
I’m thinking of you mama.
xx
Cristina
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I don’t think there’s a marriage on the planet where peaceful co-existence doesn’t occur at one point or another. I am currently in that mode right now with the PB – it seems to work
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Lee,
So sorry your going thru this with your husband i am on my second marriage and it is work especially when you throw an Ex-wife into it & kids too ! I hope and wish that it will all work out for you hun ! you so deserve someone who will share it all the good the bad and the ridiculous and i hear ya her not training him right i had to retrain mine she had him all jacked up !!
Xoxo,
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I’m so sorry that you’re going through this but you deserve to exist girl! I married my husband for love too and my parents thought I was crazy because he wasn’t who they envisioned for me. Well shit on them because we’re still married 8 years later and going strong. I think everyone deserves to be in a relationship where they feel they can be themselves and are being treated like they do. Maybe he’s feeling the same way and you guys can find some middle ground to make things work? Hope things get better soon!
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i got no answers for you as my marriage is not an example we ignore each other 24 / 7 – and he trained me for that by years of ignoring me – now i just accept it b/c i need his money to pay for me to stay home with my kids. let’s say i love my kids more than i hate him so i just stay. wishing you love lee
First of all that you are on number three gives me hope for at least one more.
I didn’t understand this when I was married but I get it now. Your guy has a whole bunch of wonderful qualities and one that irritates the hell out of you. You have to decide if it is worth losing him to pursue it. I was in your boat and pestered my husband to let me in. I did it so much that I pushed him away. We divorced. The irony is that now that we are divorced he lets me in. And it is too late. I wish both of you all the best.
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I want to add one more thing. In re reading this it looks as if he has always been this way. It isn’t fair to expect him to change. We do this to men and it just isn’t right. We want to fix them. If he isn’t hiding anything like another woman from you then I’d let it go. Let him learn to trust you, you can’t force him to. I’m not coming down on you by any means, I’m not taking sides. He just sounds like a decent guy and they are hard to find. This doesn’t mean you should just suck it up, if this is a deal breaker you have to move on. Only you know if it is. Ultimately if you want change you are going to have to make it.
Jen´s last blog ..US Bank
i don’t like co-existing either. it seems like every relationship that i have ever been in has either been a giant fighting experience or a co-existing one. i just continue to hope that one day i will not accept this any longer.
missing my blogging buddies so stopping in to say hi and wish you a wonderful day…hugz!
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I agree with June.
Maybe you two need to do something that reminds you why you came together in the first place. Put all touchy topics on hold and see if you still genuinely enjoy each other.
I think it’s a great idea to present the trip to DC as an opportunity for romance and for him to show you something, instead of him feeling obligated. Men tend to have this annoying paranoia that we are trying to control them all the time. I find it’s always best to let them believe they are giving you a gift instead of fulfilling a demand.
Good luck!
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I simply can not imagine a marriage that will work out if you don’t have better communication with each other. If he isn’t willing, then maybe you can try some counseling. I actually know a couple who are going through it now, and they said it has helped bring them back from the brink of divorce. They are still working things out, and have been going for 6 months, but it has done them a world of good. It sort of sounds to me like RR has some issues, maybe because of his previous marriage, that he is lacking trust in the relationship, and hasn’t really adjusted to the idea that he is, in fact, married to you. Why else would he buy a condo w/o discussing it with you? It’s only been a year, so maybe that can be worked on, but after being with my husband as long as I have, were I to find out he did something like that at this point, that would be it for me. However, he treats me like an equal partner, and that seems to be something RR is having trouble with. It’s hard sometimes, when you have been through a bad relationship, to fully trust another person, and to believe that THIS TIME, things will work out. But he loved you enough to marry you in the first place, so hopefully he will love you enough to do whatever it takes to stay married and work out your problems.
Sadly, Peacefully Coexist.
Their coexistence could not have been that peaceful because they are no longer together.
There are two sides to this story, but no matter what his side is it is crazy to buy a place without telling your wife!!! That is not peaceful coexistence, that is willfully ignoring your partner.
Nikia is hubby #2, technically #1 since my first marriage was illegal and so it was annulled (long story). He came from a family that practices the distant thing/peaceful co-existence you speak of. I come from a culture of family and no privacy (I’m Samoan). I had to teach my husband it was unacceptable to be in a marriage where the other person didn’t know exactly what the other person was thinking. We are very connected and we do this daily because we vowed to put each others need before our own. Seriously. In this day in age, we still put each other first. He is a wonderful husband, dad, provider and best friend. I hope you get to this place Lee. You are amazingly funny and talented and I really do hope you find this kind of peace in your marriage.
May
ugh. i would hate to simply co-exist and be kept out of the loop on his kids, ex-wife, etc. but on the other hand, i have the delightful experience of doing EVERYTHING for my husband regarding his children from previous marriages and his most recent ex-wife. i arrange all travel for visitation, i call on holidays, i buy birthday cards and gifts. he does NOTHING.
i’m really not the person to ask or give advice because lately i’m of the mentality “just fuck it”.
here’s to you, baby. you can do and be and get what you want out of life. never settle.
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there are times in which i read the blogs and i feel anger or hurt. Sometimes i cry at peoples pain and sometimes laugh at things that they say or have done. Your post left me blank inside.
I am sitting here thinking hard as to what to say, something profound maybe or just nod my head and move along. I could not do that.
As much as I would love to say, “hey it will all get better”, I am not sure as it will. The best thing to do in this situation is to talk. I know someone else put it out there but it is true. You need to talk. The key is not only talking but listening and understanding. Start off easy, Lee, there is a little know fact that men only hear the first 6 words that you say, so if you say “I am sick and tired of things the way they are” he hears, “Lee needs some rest to get better” Start off the conversation with something like “your silence is hurting me” that will open the communications to have him start to listen more intently.
I hope this helps.
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I love the photo on top of the post. I’m afraid I’m not a good person to ask. I love my husband and he loves me. But there are many days were we just seem to exist. Isn’t that part of marriage? It’s not all romance and fun like in the movies and books. Sometimes existing is boring, but sometimes it’s comforting. I wish that you and your husband can find a way to work through your issues so that you become closer as the result of sticking it out.
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Marriage is a give and take. And I think it’s harder when it’s your second (or third) one, AND there are kids involved. He sounds like he needs to open up more and share things about his life, decisions, etc. Would he go to counseling?
I am by NO means an expert. I have only been married for 3 years and together for 6. BUT we are both really independent and do our own thing a lot. So much so that it’s sometimes criticized. Sometimes I need a full week alone. Seriously. So at times we co-exist and at times we are good together and at times we aren’t. I don’t think there is an easy answer.
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Oh, yes… So many reasons why I’m single. I figured out early on that, having been an only child, I would never be good at that whole “sharing and compromise” thing. I’m sure there are a lot of “only children” who have managed to make the transition to well-balanced adults capable of such things, but I’ve just always been a “my way or the highway kinda gal.” Needless to say, I will not be offering relationship advice. Hope you figure it out, girlfriend.
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I really wish I had words of advice….but my husband and I are at the stage where we are unromantic best friends. We love each other etc etc. But with the two little ones, (that are still in our bedroom btw-whole other issue), we really are at this point roommates. I will give you some prayer and vicki-lovin. We can all use vicki-lovin right?
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This was an issue that came up a lot in my marriage too. He couched it as “I want my privacy and I don’t have any” “I need my space to write and create, and I have no space here”.
Another of my friends had this too, he said he wanted her to move back to another country (where she was when they met) and that would fix their marriage.
No, a marriage is a partnership, it’s not a person that is just there when you want them and gone when you don’t. It is about sharing your life, job, families, finances. Otherwise how is a husband/wife any different than a friend?
I don’t have the answer, but look for what you want in a husband. Make a list? Figure out what is important and what isn’t. And then see where his attitude falls on that list.