Friday, November 27, 2009

Santa's Pissing Himself

So, does Santa pee?  I got 75 Hot Flashes of Inspiration and I am posting all of them, because I have never laughed so hard at comments in my life!  And, to top it off, all the links are there, so if you see a comment you like, click on the name and follow dang it!!  That's what this is all about after all!!

It pays to comment, because one never knows when I am going to toot your horns...that's for all you wallflowers that have yet to join in on the dancing fun.  

Now, if I can get 150 people to comment on how great these comments are....hmmmmm.....just think about it, k??

Without Further Ado...I introduce you to the funniest comments this side of the Mason Dixon line...

Missy said...
I was all about the catheter, but now I can't help but wonder if he mixes it up through-out the night. (honestly, he's got to have more than one pit-stop right?) So I'm thinking that if your kids have been naughty and you smell urine in the morning, he's peed somewhere in your house. (found you through SITS)
Menopausal New Mom said...
My vote is for the urinal bag like the astronauts use, maybe that's not all stomach we see under that red suit Lol!
Frau said...
peeing off the edge of sled for sure!
BigSis said...
I don't think he goes. He's magical. I'll be like the kid who doesn't think teachers go pee or to the grocery. I'm happy in my own little world :)
Corrie Howe said...
These are very good points! Does he pee and how can he not pee with all the milk he drinks? Reminds me of a friend of mine reading Jonathan his favorite book at the time. "Everyone Poops." My friend was so tickled that Jonathan insisted that "Daddy doesn't poop." We got to thinking about it. My husband always disappears upstairs so in Jonathan's mind, daddy doesn't poop because he's never seen daddy poop. Unlike when mama goes to the bathroom all children have to hang outside the bathroom.
5thsister said...
Some things will always remain a mystery. Kind of like our parents never have or had sex because it hurts the brain to even consider that possibility.
Noelle said...
i believe santa is packing some serious junk and can just hang that baby over the side of the sled and let 'er rip. ;)
Carol said...
Now I have never thought about Santa and his wiener. Disturbing. But I would agree with Noelle - just hang his junk over the side! Although... for those rotten little bastards that don't deserve presents, maybe that is when he takes a wiz down the chimney.
Allyson said...
LOL I will never look at Santa the same way again. Happy Monday love!
Daffy said...
I think he writes his name on the roof! And if those cookies get him a little backed up...he does number 2 and blames it on the reindeer. At least I would :O)
Kmama said...
First of all, "terlit" made me crack up. Second, now all I can picture is Billy Bob Thornton in Bad Santa. LOL
ShellSpann said...
"Does he have a catheter hooked up to his weiner?" LOL!!!!
Moooooog35 said...
The answer to your question? Depends. Literally. Depends Undergarments. I'm wearing them now. I hate stopping when I'm in the middle of writing blog comments and..I...um... UNNNNGGHH... See? TIME SAVER.
Raoulysgirl said...
Santa has a "magic bag" for toys...and a "magic milk jug" for pee. I thought everyone knew that!
Erin said...
Santa is magic and therefore he does not pee. But secondary to that, why are we Jews wondering about Santa's bodily functions?! ;-) LOL
Ed Adams said...
I believe he just whips it over the side of the sleigh. But seeing as he's Santa, he just wiggles his nose and the pee magically transforms to lemon candies. That's how they get the name....Lemon Drops.
Geezees Geezees Custom Canvas Art said...
OMG...i am laughing because of all of these fantastic answers!
Lissaloo said...
Here I was scrolling down trying to think of a witty comment and I came to the Lemon Drop comment and sprayed coffee all over my computer! Now I am too busy cleaning up and I got nothin :) Happy Monday Lee!
Summer (BisforBrown) said...
hahah! um, i have a feeling he looks like a Ken doll underneath that red suit. no need to pee.
blueviolet said...
Hey Lee, ummmm....Santa's not real.
Coffeypot said...
He has one of those huge slurpy cups that he pees in while in the air then throws it over the side. That's what I do on my transports. As for pooping, all the mile stops him up. That's where the Ho,Ho,Ho, comes from. The pain in the belly.
Ms Bibi said...
All valid questions considering all the milk he need to drink. I had to go and ask the expert before he left for the school bus...so the 7 year old in question said: "Dah, he uses people washrooms after drinking the milk
glitterbygrammie said...
I don't know for sure what he does. But you can bet I am scrubbing my toilet before I go to bed. Just in case.
KLaw said...
Bwah ha ha! Maybe since he's magical, he doesn't have to pee like us normal folk. Maybe his pee evaporates into stars and sprinkles.
Jessica said...
He's got to have elves with him helping out, maybe he uses a soda bottle or . . . maybe he just pee's off the side while driving?? lol
LeeAnn said...
Hahahahaha Never gave it much thought before this. I'll never think about Santa the same again. He must do *something*, but I'm sure it's all magical.
MiMi said...
I always wondered why on Christmas eve we were pelted with yellow rain. Dang Santa!
adrienzgirl said...
Ya'll are some sick bitches up in here. Santa is MAGIC. Duh! He does some magic mojo and he doesn't have to go, when he is out delivering packages!
La'Tonya Richardson said...
Some people, you never really think of them as "Real People." Like they don't do things like the rest of us, like pee! That was a visual, I really didn't want. Now, I'm wondering, does he wash his hands!
Tiffany said...
diapers. like that NASA chick who drove cross country to get her man (or whatever coked out drama that was) and wore a diaper to save time on the gas station bathroom front.
Ashley @ KiwisandCocktails said...
Duh, He is Magical! Magical creatures do not pee...or poop.
Ashley @ KiwisandCocktails said...
PS. I just read the comments AFTER I wrote my comment. So my answer has been said a few times before. I guess I should read other peoples’ comments before I leave my own…but then again…If I DID do that…I would think “Oh, someone already said what I THOUGHT was my own idea…so I will just not leave a comment now for Lee” it is a lose, lose situation. Seriously.
shortmama said...
Didnt you know that Santa was going green? He uses his pee to convert to fuel for the sleigh. You know sometimes the reindeer get too tired so he switches to from reindeer mode to pee mode.
Melissa said...
I'm thinking this particular problem is exactly why he chooses to use a fireplace instead of a door. What do you think he had to do to keep from catching on fire? MMMMMMMMMmmmmmmm...?
LMJ said...
I can't stand the m*th@ f*ck@!! He never came to my house when I was a kid. I'm starting to think he ain't real!
Laura said...
I'm along with the others who thinks he just goes off the roof of the house. Maybe he even writes his name in the snow ;-)
Stephanie Stearns Dulli said...
Maybe he tags the houses of bad little kids writing 'Santaaa' in the snow.
Jennifer Juniper said...
Depends, man, for sure :) Hey, quit giving my kids more questions about Santa I can't answer!
injaynesworld said...
Of course, Santa pees. He whizzes over the side of the sleigh and we look up and say, "Oh look. A light mist. Isn't that lovely..."
Heather @ Two Little Monkeys said...
LMAO! I think he just whips it over the sled and pee's!
Theta Mom said...
I'm still cracking up about "terlit!"
Lisa said...
LOL We say terlit too. I think when he gets the urge he just hangs it out the side of the sleigh and that's how we get acid rain.
Aunt Becky said...
Astronaut diapers like that crazy astronaut lady. Of course!
Margaret aka: Fact Woman said...
I have never even considered this question. Got me. Maybe a super power bladder comes along with the super fast travel and the popping up the chimney abilities!?!
Mandy's Life After 30 said...
I think he squats in the woods along with the rest of the reindeer. And he "marks his spot" much like a dog does. I bet sometimes he even gets a good enough streamline to write, "Santa was here...." :-)
Holly said...
I have never seen Santa pee, but I have seen him take a hit from a flask (we used to ride on the Police Officers float passing out candy). Holly
Buggys said...
I'm sure he has a magic potion that he drinks prior to takeoff! It changes his bladder into a sponge! Man, I wish I had one of those.
Margaret said...
I think the catheter would be the best way to get it done!
Martinis or Diaper Genies? said...
santa is weiner-less. Everyone knows that.
Lourie said...
Hmmmm...one life's great mysteries. That and how many licks it takes to get to the center of a tootsie pop. I like the Depends answer tho.
Matty said...
He goes potty before he leaves the North Pole. He flies and moves fast enough to get to every home in the world, so obviously he can get back to the North Pole by the time he has to go again.
mama-face said...
Santa is not real; remember? oops.
Stephanie Faris said...
Santa is magical. He doesn't have to pee since he's not really human.
MJ said...
any witty and clever answer I had went out the window once I hit the Lemon Drop answer!!!!!!!!! And with that, I must run, or half gallop to the potty since I forgot my Kotex/depends today and I can no longer hold it!
kys said...
Santa wears Depends. They are a festive red and green. (Forgive me if someone already said this. Not enough sneaky time to check all the comments.)
Mammatalk said...
Astronaut diapers? Maybe he slips in and uses the potty before he goes up the chimney?
gayle said...
No, I believe in Magic and Santa does not have to pee until he gets back to the North Pole!!
drollgirl said...
i would be more concerned that he might have to take a dump. and thank you for your comment. i am trying to chill. trying.
leigh said...
Thanks for the shout out babe! I'm so glad that my potty experience inspired such a hilarious post from you! Honestly though...I pondered your question for a bit and then realized that I hate spent way too much time meditating on Santa's junk! Leigh
Rook No. 17 said...
Lee, I think you're on to something with that chimney theory. That's what I call multi-tasking!
Janie B said...
All of these comments have given me pictures that I'll never get out of my head! Very funny stuff. As for Santa's solution... I guess we'll never know.
Rasha @ and this is what she said... said...
You effing crack me up.... I seriously almost peed my pants and im at work.. not cool lee! hahahahahaha
Spot On Your Pants said...
Oh God! My sister and I (both Yankees) have lived in the south (me in Texas and she is still in Bama)...we make fun of terlet and tee tee all the time. :-) Do you remember Mr. Hanke the Christmass Poo (South Park, cerca 1998 or so). Heidy Ho! Seriously, maybe if you are so fat and travel so fast, it's where the coal comes from?!?
Desert Rose said...
The terlet..that's a good one. My friend here in AZ calls it a toelet. It's not normal..she's just weird like that. And as for Santa..I'll volunteer to give him that catheter, because quite frankly I think I must've been on his naughty list for like ever now...
Sonia Sunny Thomas said...
Maybe Santa's wearing adult diapers..
tattytiara said...
I don't have to guess. I do Santa's wardrobe. Seriously - once I even literally sent a Santa Suit to the North Pole. Nuh uh, though - ain't going to spoil any illusions.
Unknown Mami said...
I think he pees off the side of the sleigh when he high up in the sky. It evaporates before it even hits the ground. For real.
Frugal Vicki said...
uh....HELLO! Time stops don't you know! NO time is really passing, thus he doesn't ever actually have to go! And he is Santa. He doesn't pee....he doesn't look at dirty magazines....sheesh. Who are you?
Anonymous said...
Ever wonder what gives the really good eggnog that yellow tinge and... interesting taste? Well, don't think about it, really, and do your best never to find out.
Tawnia said...
I mean... should we be asking what a fat man that climbs up and down chimneys w/ toys I can't afford does with his pee? lol I still can't figure out what the hell he gives those reindeer to make them fly and now I am worried about pee:) let me get back to you on this...ok? lol Very funny girl:) Love Tawnia
Me-Me King said...
You know, I thought it was just me that wondered about this kind of shit. LOL!!!
Carri said...
How funny. Definitely not something I have ever thought about. But now that you mention it, he is magical so maybe he just uses his magic.
Tater Tot Mom said...
He's gotta do something to put out those fires before he climbs down the chimney, right?
Envelope Printing | UPrinting.com said...
He wears a magical Christmas adult diapers custom built by his elves. :-)
HeartsMakeFamilies said...
My first response is a catherer..and then comes the second thought well he doesn't have to pee..he has a magical substance which allows his bladder to keep it all the time.. and then the final response..only Lee would make me thinks these things lol
 


Thursday, November 26, 2009

Thanks for the Love

It always amazes me when I click on someones blog and there is an award there for me.  I think...do they have the right gal??

It always astounds me when I get a comment that says there is something waiting for me on their blog.  I think...there must be some mistake.

When I get that email saying how much they love my blog and are so glad they found me, I wonder if they realize which blog they are on.

I have never been the cool girl.  I have never been the popular girl.  I am the girl who doesn't smile when she walks in a room because she is a bit shy and insecure.  I am the girl that didn't have a date until college.  I am the girl that has a few friends and lots of acquaintances.

And, then I start this blog.  It started out so small and has grown every day.  I write and read and comment.  I have put myself out there, albeit behind the safety of my computer, and I am accepted and I am loved.  I can't thank you all enough for that.

I love my regulars and I love my new readers.  I love my Snarklers and I love my bloggy buds.  You have made me smile, laugh and even cry.  You have let me into each of your lives and for that I am truly honored.

So, because it is Thanksgiving, I want to tell you all that I am so thankful for all of you.  Thankful that you accept me for me.  Allow me to be sad, glad and even mad.  You have allowed me to have a place to spill it all.  The good, the bad and the ugly and supported me through it.

This post is for all of you, so I have disable comments.  Savor in the wonder of each of you and know how you have each touched my life.

Have a wonderful Thanksgiving.

Love you all...

Lee the Hot Flash Queen

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Wednesday Re Do

It's the Wednesday before Thanksgiving, and seriously, folks, kids are coming out my ass.  So, instead of trying to be witty and charming on the day before the big feast, I am going to repost.  Originally....I think I had all of 3 comments on this one, which meant if the stats hold true that 4 people actually read it, my younger brother being the fourth!

For all my new followers, which is mostly everyone, this gives you a little background into how Lee the Hot Flash Queen came to be!!

Enjoy, and if you don't, keep it to yourself, k!

Life After Ovaries

Welcome to my new home! Come on in and take a look around. I hope you like the decorating! I give complete and total credit to my blog decorator, Lindsey over at Sour Apple Studios. If you are thinking of redecorating, give her a shout. She is truly amazing with space!!

Would you care to take a load off and relax?? There is coffee and martinis in the kitchen.

So.....

Headaches, Hormones and Hot Flashes?!? Why would I change the name to that!

Well, it seems as if I have been unceremoniously dumped into surgical menopause. I have cursed my ovaries many times over the years, and they decided to curse me back. Well, fellow bloggy buddies, don't ever curse me, because I will just remove you like I removed them! HA!  As if!!

My *attitude* is due to lack of hormones, terrible headaches and scorching hot hot flashes. What do you get when you lose your ovaries? A very sexy patch with writing on it that you get to stick on you ass...yes, I said a bad word, and it is not my first either...ass ass ass! This patch really makes you want to do the down and dirty, put on that thong and dance for your man...NOT!

Surgical Menopause has it's own special place in the hallows of how much more shit do we have to put up with just because Eve ate that damn apple. For instance, with surgical menopause hot flashes may be more severe (check), more frequent (check) and last longer (check check check).

Eunuchs like me have a greater chance of heart disease and osteoporosis (got milk?) and be more likely to become depressed (big old fat check).

I had a bilateral salpingo-oophorectomy. Doesn't that sound delicious! This is having both ovaries out and my tubes removed as well. My uterus was already gone with the wind and my cervix went with it a little over a year ago, so I am officially sexless, a eunuch, agamous, castrated, epicene, neutered.

Interesting Factoids about what happens after Surgical Menopause:
  • hot flashes
  • vaginal dryness
  • decreased libido or other sexual side effects
  • sleep disturbance
  • memory changes
  • mood changes
  • fatigue
  • weight gain
  • urinary incontinence
  • depression
  • night sweats
  • anxiety
  • palpitations
  • insomnia
  • increased appetite
  • hair loss
  • painful intercourse
  • thyroid dysfunction
  • bladder infections
Isn't this fun!? Do I sound pissed?? Did I mention that anger/rage is another side effect?

I am dedicating my blog to all those women out there like me, not like me, who strive to be like me and show everyone that there is...

LIFE AFTER OVARIES!
I want to thank all of you who read me like a religion, comment regularly and pass me along to your friends. I love all of you, and especially that I can rant, rave and tear out my thinning hair due to no ovaries and you never judge!

Stop by anytime you want to escape your everyday life and delve into mine!

I have so much to tell all of you, so stay tuned and on the lookout for some serious posting.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

The Couple That Pees Together....

It is said that the couple that plays together stays together. I don't know if that same philosophy holds true for peeing, but here is my story....

It is Saturday night, and the kids are nestled all snug in their beds...finally...and hubby and I are watching The Proposal, with Sandra Bullock...cute by the way.   My official review of the movie...cute.  If you feel really crappy about your own love life and want a romantic pick me up, this is a cute movie.  

I ask hubby to pause the movie, because I have to pee.  As I am walking to the bathroom, hubby is hot on my heels, like a dog.  I walk into the very small bathroom that sits under the stairs and barely has room for one, much less two, don't bother with the lights and sit down to do my business.

Hubby is hanging out in the doorway.

Me "Do you mind?"
Hubby "What?"
Me "Go away, I need to pee."
Hubby "So, go, I'm not stopping you."
Me "Seriously, do you have to stand there, can you go away?"
Hubby "No."

I go to shut the door and hubby puts his foot in the door.

Me "Go away!"
Hubby "No."

Hubby is like a child.  It's now a game to him.  I try to shut the door again, and again he puts his foot in the door.  He is laughing.  I am getting pissed without pissing.

Me "Seriously, STOP IT."
Hubby "I don't what the big deal is.  Just go."
Me "You are inhibiting me.  I can't pee when you are just standing there staring at me."
Hubby "Why not?"
Me "You don't like me to stand and stare at you, in fact, you don't like me to be anywhere near the bathroom when you pee.  So, leave me alone so I can pee!"

I shut the door again and this time use enough force so that hubby grunts when his foot is slammed in the door.  I win.  The door shuts and I pee.  I can't pee on command.  I went over that one when I had to go to the Pee Pee doc.

As I am peeing, I hear the loudest fart rip through the house.

Me "I heard that!"
Hubby "I was in your office!  How could you hear it?"
Me "The neighbors heard it."
Hubby "Do you think Sassy Gal likes those shoes I bought her?  She wears them every day.  Aren't they the coolest shoes ever...next to my shoes that is?"

And there you have it...don't you want my life??  Aren't you jealous??
So, tell me, how many of you can pee when you are being stared at by your significant other??

Oh...and please do me a favor and go and stop by Random Thoughts of a Restless Mind....HeatherLynn is my spotlighted commenter this week.  Let me tell you what she did...she actually dug into my archives to comment on my shit...can you believe it???  I know!!

PLUS, this gal started the madness of blogging back in 2005!!!  She is a new fav of mine and I promise you won't be disappointed!!  Now, she does not have the follower doo dad up on her blog, but subscribe, people...SHE ROCKS!








Monday, November 23, 2009

Santa Claus is Coming to Pee

I was over at Leigh's place the other morning...you know Leigh Vs. Laundry??  She's awesome, if you don't know her, go and stop by...seriously, you won't be disappointed.

Anyhoo, she was saying she saw Santa coming out of the terlit (that's how we say it in Texas) at the mall.  It got me to thinking....

Does Santa pee??

He is out delivering packages ALL night on Christmas Eve...on a sled...in the air...not a plane that has a toilet.

Does he have a catheter hooked up to his weiner?
Does he have a urinal bag like the astronauts tucked in his suit?
Does he use your toilet before launching himself back up the chimney?  And if he does, does he put the seat back down?
Does he just use the chimney while he's standing up there on the roof...it could be a kind of urinal....putting out the fire, so to speak?

Do you think he limits his water intake the night before?
He drinks all that milk you leave out for him...you know he's got to go SOMETIME.

What do you think Santa does??

Sunday, November 22, 2009

You Rock Me!

Another week filled with bloggy love!!  Welcome to my new followers.  Comment, make yourselves at home, we only bite when we feel it is necessary or when we are horny!!

I am seriously loving all of you.  And, I NEVER can decide who to give my awards out to, because the truth is, I want to give them out to all of you, and I don't know about you, but when other blogs give them out to all their readers, I never take it, because...well, I just feel funny about it...not that it's a BAD thing when they do that, just not MY thing.  So don't go gettin all pissy on me!!

I also don't follow all those rules of naming 5 things or telling 7 things.  I tell so many things every day, that I think you will eventually know it all anyway and there will not be one single secret left in the Queen's vault.  So, I have come up with a system, so that everyone will eventually get some love!  I am just going to meander down my reader....start at the top and work my way down.  Ingenious??  No??  Bite me!

So, first I want to say thank you to Zen and the Art of Motherhood.  This lady is funny, insightful and seriously I wet myself when I read her, I get so excited.  FOLLOW!  She gave me the Best Blog award.  Love you!



Carol at 3!A Charm...come on down!

The Lemonade Award...not sure what it means, but it is so darn cute, comes from Noelle at Elastic Waistbands and Comfortable Shoes.  She is the bees knees.  She is the cream in my coffee.  FOLLOW.  And I also received this from Lissaloo over at One Step at a Time.  LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE her!  She found me originally on  my craft blog, and rode it out over here.  But, I have to warn you, you will gain weight by visiting her blog!! FOLLOW!




 Julie at 47 & Starting Over, Come on Down!
Dan River Mama at A Kiss & A Peck, Come on Down!

I got the Friends award from Speaking from the Crib, and if you don't read, seriously folks...what the heck are you doing??  And, Corrie from Just Because My Pickle Talks Doesn't Make Me An Idiot.  I love Corrie, and I love when I beat her out in the comments section!!  Sorry, gal, you know how much I adore you!!  FOLLOW!



BlueViolet at A Nut in a Nutshell, Come on down!
Pat from A View From The Edge, Come on Down!

I DID Forget to feed my kids and Think Tank Momma reminded me thanks to this award!  Which I L O V E love!  This gal is so awesome.  She rocks with the comments, the love and she is funny as all hell to boot.  FOLLOW!




SingedWingedAngel at Angel Believes...., Come on Down

Thank you so Holly at 504 Main for the Your Blog is Fabulous.  I love Holly.  She is Fabulous.  Her blog is too, but what I like about her, is that her snarkiness comes out when  you least expect it!!  I love that about her! FOLLOW!



Rasha at and this is what she said, come on down!

I think that about covers it!  If I forgot anyone, SORRY!!  I will have my own special award coming up next Sunday, that I am currently working on....if nothing else, come back by then to get a gander! 

Thanksgiving week will be a tough one with the kids home all week, so I will be light on the commenting and replying...don't worry, I'm reading...damn real life for getting in the way!!

Love you all!!

Queen is out!






Saturday, November 21, 2009

A Goat-ee



 

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