It's Been Almost 13 Years

**This post is not snarky or funny.  If you don't like the serious Queen, please just move along!**

I have been married for almost 13 years.  I know hard to believe right??

The first seven years I lived in Houston, Dallas, New York City and San Francisco.  I dropped out of college to be with my husband who had already graduated.  During those seven years I went to Hawaii every year and attempted to play golf on some of the best Golf Courses around the United States.  I owned my first house in those 7 years.

I started battling with pesky pre cancer dysplasia on my cervix and in the end had part of my cervix removed.  I had my retina's detach and surgically re-attached.  I had mono for the second time and was diagnosed with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. 

I had artificial insemination 12 times and Invitro fertilization once in those seven years and there were no children.

During the next 5 years, I had Sassy Gal and Brattitude Boy.  I owned my second home and started building my third home.  I stayed in Houston, but moved several times, ending in a leased house that was very small while the building was taking place.  I was religious during those five years.  Going to temple every single Saturday and observing Shabbat.  Keeping a kosher home.  Celebrating all major and minor Jewish Holidays.

I was a tennis mom during the day, and spent most of my time lunching and tennissing with my friends.  I had full time help and my duties as a wife and mother were minimal.  I started a very successful high end consignment store during those five years.  I did pilates twice a week every week and cooked dinner almost every night.  I had a Mastiff named Cocoa Puff.  I spent every vacation in the Caribbean.

For the past 8 months, I have been living in my fourth house.  I own a lot that will never be built on.  I have a nice life.  I spend lots of time with my kids, only having someone cleaning 1.5 days a week.  I have two dogs.  I don't travel much and am involved in my kid's school.  I rarely get a babysitter.  I am attempting to find out who I am and where I want to go and what I want to do with my life now.

I have been married a total of almost 13 years....to three different men.....is the third time a charm?
Tune in tomorrow....

I've Been Tagged and Awards

I'm it.  I've been tagged. Several bloggers seem to have an unusual curiosity as to what makes me a Theta mom.  I struggles with this, because truthfully, I don't think I am a Theta mom, but here goes nothing.....

I am The True Authentic Mom because....

1.  I only use duct tape when it is absolutely necessary.
2.  I feed my kids from the essential food groups, such as Domino's, McDonalds, Jack in the Crack and Taco Hell.
3.  I have taught my kids valuable and useful things.  They know how to work the TV, DVD player and the Wii.
4.  I allow the Crazies to run the Asylum.
5.  I never yell, according to my children, I always talk this loud.

Once again, so much bloggy love!!  The only thing better than comments are awards.  All these blogs are fabu and you should check them all out and follow all of them!


So This Is Wonderland gave me the Kreativ Blogger award.  Thank you, my dear!

I am giving this award to 47 and Starting Over.

Erin at The Mother Load, who is my girl, gave me the Bass Ass Blogger award.  I also received this award from Who Has The Thyme? and she ROCKS!  I even dusted off my black leather motorcycle boots for this one.

I am passing this on to Think Tank Momma.  She is a Bad Ass.

Cute as a Buggy gave me the Honest Scrap award. Thank you, My Dear!

I am passing this award to Life in 3Dee.

If Evolution Really Works gave me the I Heart Your Blog award.  I heart hers as well.

I am passing this one along to Zen and the Art of Motherhood.

The Confessions of a Stay At Home Mom gave me the From Me to You award.  Thanks you my darling!

I am passing this one on to Elastic Waistbands and Comfortable Shoes.

So, peeps...short and sweet this week, unlike me!  Enjoy!! And the Queen has left the building!

Mitzvah

If you are Jewish, then you know this already, if not, let me enlighten you....

A Mitzvah is a worthy deed.  I think we can find that in every day life, we do all kinds of Mitzvah's and often I will get my kids to do things, by saying it's a Mitzvah.  Yes, I am shameless like that.  Shoot me.

So, I was getting my hair done...ya know...getting the mess that was left on my head fixed, and there was a military dude getting his hair cut.  My hairdresser and I decided to pay for his hair cut in honor of Veteran's Day.  We split it down the middle.

The guy was dressed in his fatigues and he was so grateful and he was DARLING!  I wouldn't mind getting me some of that...WHAT....does that cancel out the Mitzvah??  He was yummy!!

So, because it is Saturday...even though I wrote this on Friday, and I am trying to not be around the blogosphere on the weekends, so I can....GASP...spend quality time with my kids....tell me what Mitzvah's you did this past week??

Conversations - Part 3

Well, hubby has done it again, and how can I resist but to post this stupendous conversation for all my bloggy buds??  After all, it would be a pity and a shame to deprive you of this super special part of my life.

Let me set the scene....

The World Series of Poker was on.  For those of you that don't know what this is, it is a bunch of people that play poker for a living.  That's right, for a living....and if I was a good enough Poker player I would do it too!

Hubby and I are sitting on the couch watching.  Yes, people, if he isn't watching sports, he is watching Poker...I know...you are all really really jealous, and why wouldn't you be...POKER!  On the POKER channel.  WHAT COULD BE BETTER????? Sorry....don't mean to be so snarky...actually I do!!  WHO IN THE HECK WANTS TO WATCH POKER ON THE POKER CHANNEL!!

Anyhoo, there is this dude, Phil Ivey, who they say is the best poker player evah.  Of course, he has never made it to the final round.  Until this year.  But, he is playing a hand, and his hand is not revealed, while the other hands are for the other players.  This is the conversation....

Me "He's Bluffing."
Hubby "Why do you think he's bluffing?"
Me "Look at his face.  He is not so confident and he has shifty eyes."
Hubby "He always has shifty eyes.  He has weird eyes.  It's his face."

The hand ends and yes, he was bluffing.

Hubby "He is the best poker player in the universe.  In fact, he is the most famous black man ever."
Me looking at Hubby like he is crazy.

"The MOST famous?  Are you sure you want to stand by that statement?"
Hubby "Yes, he is the most famous and the most recognized.  Everyone knows who he is."
Me "More famous than Tiger Woods?"

Me "I mean of course EVERYONE knows Phil Ivey and he's WAY more famous than Tiger Woods, oh and let's not forget Michael Jordan, he is way more famous than him too.  And then there's Cobey Bryant.  I mean NO ONE has heard of him, and EVERYONE would say Phil Ivey is more famous than Cobey.  Oh, and then there is Magic Johnson, Denzel Washington, Jamie Foxx and James Earl Jones.  But, you are right, Phil Ivey is more famous."

Hubby "Okay, so maybe he comes fourth, after Tiger, Cobey and Michael.  But, he is more famous than Denzel."
Me "Denzel won an academy award!!"
Hubby "He is more famous than Denzel.  Who cares about Denzel.  Phil is THE best poker player in the world!!"
Me "A Rod?  Is he more famous than A Rod?"
Hubby "Toss up."
Me "Darryl Strawberry?"
Hubby "No one knows who Darryl Strawberry is!"
Me "I do!"
Hubby "You are the only one, and I'm surprised you know who he is!"

Hubby "Sassy Gal loves the tennis shoes I bought her this summer.  She wears them every day."

I can't even answer this one...as usual, we are off on another tangent in another stratosphere.  By the way...Phil Ivey has shifty eyes when he is bluffing and he is NOT the most well known black man ever!

Pre Teen Angst - Part II

In this edition of Pre Teen Angst, we bring you Sassy Gal and her Mother the Hot Flash Queen in the office at their home.  Sassy Gal is playing on the computer while The Hot Flash Queen is...you guessed it...blogging.

Sassy Gal "Hot Flash Queen Mother, I want an email account."

Okay...she didn't say Hot Flash Queen Mother, just thought it was humorous...no??  Blow me.

Me "You want an email account?  What for?"
SG "My friends have one.  This way we can email each other."
Me "Which friends?"

It is at this point that I am thinking those damn mothers, don't they realize the trouble they are starting!

SG "E, S, M and S."
Me "Mmmmm, okay.  You can set up a Gmail account."
SG "I don't know how.  Will you do it for me?"

Now, this is where I thwart the pre teen angst....

I get up out of my chair and sit at her computer.  I go to google.  Set her up an account.  Set her up a Gmail.  Then make sure that a copy of every single email she receives is sent to my email address.  Of course, she has no idea I have done this, because she can't set it up!!

BWAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA....

For you mother's out there whose children want to set one up...do it for them and then you can get the emails and monitor them.

PRE TEEN THWARTED! Of course, she is getting more emails than me.....

By the way...if any of you know of a good waxer in the Houston area...let me know

PS Just Kidding

**This is an important message that needs to be sent around the blogosphere.  Tweet it, Digg it, Cut and Paste it.  It needs to be spread far and wide.**

Two nights ago I got this email.....

Hi Lee,

I’m writing to you on behalf of Harrah’s New Orleans in hopes that you might join us for Harrah’s Greatest Weekend Ever, a three day, all-expenses paid vacation in New Orleans from Friday, December 11 through Sunday, December 13.

We are inviting 5 online thought leaders from the Houston area like you to experience all that the Big Easy has to offer, a nearby premiere entertainment destination. Below are some scheduled highlights of the weekend, but we're excited to work with you to customize your visit. Whether it’s learning how to cook traditional Cajun food from a top chef, picking up a few insider tips at the poker table, or kicking back on riverboat cruise, we'll make sure your experience is unforgettable. This weekend is an opportunity to learn more about you, and for you and your local readers to learn more about Harrah’s and the city of New Orleans! In addition, if you do decide to join us, we’d be happy to provide you with the opportunity to give away a weekend getaway package at Harrah’s New Orleans to one of your followers/readers.

If you’re interested and would like more information, please let me know as soon as possible so we can begin planning your trip.  I’d love to discuss the details further with you. I can be reached via this email address or by phone at 202-729-4139.

Thanks, talk to you soon!

Tanya Lying Bitch

So, of course, I'm like, Oh hell yeah!!  Blog domination!!  I forward this puppy to my BBFF, kys, and beg her to turn in her sex card to her hubby so she can come along with me.  I tell her I will talk to her about after I talk to Ogilvy, the PR Company.  I tell hubby, he is thrilled.

The following morning, I call and leave a voicemail.  A few hours later, I have heard nothing, so I send this...

Hi, Tanya Lying Bitch.  I called you and left a message, but you haven't returned the call.  I am interested in hearing more about this, but more specifically, how you came across me and decided to offer this to me?? 

Looking forward to hearing from you.

Lee 
http://www.headacheshotflashesandhormones.com

This is what I got back from Lying Bitch.....

Hi Lee,

Thank you for your email and voicemail. Unfortunately, this email was sent by mistake yesterday evening - I’m very sorry I tried to recall the message from Outlook after it was accidentally sent but for some reason it didn’t work.  I apologize for it spamming your inbox and bothering you and causing any inconvenience.

Hope we can work together on a different project in the future!

Thanks,

Tanya Lying Bitch


My Response:

Are you Kidding??  You sent this by Mistake??  Here I was thinking how cool that I was asked to participate in something like this and it was a mistake??  You didn't think of sending me an email to let me know or returning the phone call??

How did I even get on an email list of yours to begin with??

Her Response....

Yes, I apologize, I’m very sorry. Your email address was very similar to another contact I was trying to reach out to and that was what caused the confusion. I didn’t realize that the recall function didn’t work last night until I got your email and had a chance to check my voice mail a few minutes ago…

My Response...

I have to say that this is the most unprofessional thing I have ever heard of.  I realize that you might not consider me one of the 5 most thought provoking bloggers in Houston, but I have a following of over 300+ and I am sure that they will love to hear about this.  Thanks for the blog material.

Ogilvy PR located in Washington, DC...YOU CAN SUCK IT!

*This was much milder than I would have liked, but I am the bigger person....YEAH RIGHT!*

An Experiment

**DISCLAIMER - I am sick.  So, I won't be around much today or maybe the rest of the week, which means my commenting will be off.  But, I will be checking my emails when I can drag my ass to the computer.  I have posts ready to go for the rest of the week, so I hope to entertain you all!**


As most of you know, I am all about the comments....I give and I like to receive.  I'm a giver and a taker.  I do for you, you do for me.  Yada Yada Yada.

Before I get into my little experiment, I want to say that YOU ALL ROCK!  Last Tuesday I got 85 comments!!  Holy crap, Batman!!  Of course, the keeping it up might be an issue for those that peeked out of the woodwork, but hey, it's a start!!  LOVE YOU ALL!!

Now, on to my experiment.  Like I said above...I comment.  I comment a lot.  I spend hours commenting and replying to all the comments from you...at least the ones that I can reply to. I have made it my personal mission to achieve blog domination before I can achieve world domination, and I feel the way to do that is to comment and reply.  Also, I really get off on doing things that I don't get paid for but take up a ton of time like blogging and raising kids.  I roll like that.

I have 304 blogs in my reader.  304!  Is that insane??  And, not nearly half of those comment or even visit or even acknowledge my tiny existence.  Now, I realize that some of these katz have lots of visitors and may have a life outside of this bubble we call blogging, but I don't, so there!

So, the question is...is it worth to keep the ones that don't acknowledge me and haven't since I started this little adventure in my reader??  It takes time to go through each of these blogs and clear them out of the reader.  On Monday mornings it is a NIGHTMARE!

This is what I'm gonna do.  I am going to visit each and every blog on my reader and leave a comment...give em a friendly reminder that I am alive and well.  If there is a comment or reply back...they stay....if not...they go.  I will of course give them some time to get around to it, after that...buh bye.

I don't know about the rest of you, but it is tiring to wave your hands in the air while jumping up and down screaming "Over here...yoo hoo....here I am....notice me.....hey, you.....look over here....overrrrr heeeerrrrreeeeeee....."

I need to get a life, don't I??

Now, I want you all to follow Tiffany at  On The Verge...this gal is HYSTERICAL!!  She is witty and smart and oh so funny.  I get excited when she comments...which is every time, because she always has something great to say and also I love her posts.  Seriously...if you don't go over there and visit her, you will SO regret it!!

She is my first commenter on the list!!  Now, for you Snarklers...don't worry, your time will come, but let's be honest...everyone who follows me follows all of you!! Yes, you  know who you are!!

Oh, and if you are following and haven't let me know, please do so I can return the favor....I can always use more blogs to beef up the old reader!!

Love you all!!  You all ROCK!